[ She's not really surprised. Not that she knows Steve that well, but she's come to know Eddie pretty well over the last few weeks, and she's learned that Eddie is so quietly desperate for attention, for acceptance, for affection, that she turns herself into what people expect her to be. Chrissy does the same thing, but her tactic is a little less...in your face about it. Chrissy learned how to be small and sweet, docile and agreeable. Eddie did the opposite, making herself bigger to fill the space left around her, forcing others to look at her and pay attention, playing into the preconceived notions they had about her instead of working to subvert them.
If she thought that Steve would only accept her on a casual, no need to talk about this, kind of basis, she wouldn't push for more. Chrissy's sure of it.
It might not even have occurred to her to ask for more. To think that she might deserve it. ]
You weren't really together but the break up feels like you were. [ It's not a question. He said I ended it first, and now we broke up, but it doesn't matter who said what. The end result is the same. ] Was it worth it?
Things aren't harder but that's about as much as he can say and it definitely doesn't mean at all that they're better. And then there's the added hollow ache behind his ribs when he realizes that he wants to tell Eddie something but she's out of reach. And hearing that maybe she's not doing so well feels awful, actively bad. So Steve closes his mouth. Rubs a hand through his hair.]
[ He doesn't need to answer, she already knows the truth. It's written all over his face. ]
I never broke up with Jason because being his girlfriend made my life easier. Even though he was a jerk, and a bully sometimes, my mom loved him. Probably more than she loved me. [ A hollow laugh. It's a joke, but it's not, not really. ] The pros outweighed the cons. But I thought about it, a lot. Thought about what my life would be like without him. How people would treat me. How I'd feel about myself. If I'd feel free or not.
[ Turns out, all she had to do was wait long enough for him to get killed, and then she got the best of both worlds: the lingering protection of his reputation, and the freedom of his absence. She's almost grateful to him. He gave her what she'd been craving for so long. ]
I kept telling myself that I would do it soon. After Christmas. After the championship game. After prom. After graduation. I kept putting it off because I was scared. I kept myself in a box that made me unhappy because I was comfortable there, because I understood it. It was comfortable, and predictable, and absolutely crushing.
[To think that this was Chrissy Cunningham's life. Steve's knocked a little sideways to hear it spelled out for him. Her motivations. Her fear. Her mother. Again, he wonders why Vecna picked her. Was it this? Jason? Her unhappiness at forcing herself to be something that she wasn't?]
My parents... talk about 'those people' a lot. [Steve's not looking at Chrissy, just staring down at his hands.] Eddie is those people, you know? And I'm so afraid that. I'm worried that choosing her means losing them. Or worse, making Eddie feel like she's got to be something she's not for me.
Your parents don't know what they're talking about. [ Her tone is mild, but she means it. ] Mine don't either. They have no clue. [ About anything. About what's going on under their noses, about the moral fiber of the people they look down on, about what their children really hope for and dream about.
She's quiet for a moment or two, considering what to say next, turning over the words Steve's said. ]
It's worse for you, I think, because you're a boy. And an only child. My parents just wanted me to get married. That was my goal post. Get married, have babies, be a housewife. You've got all the pressure to carry on your family name, to prove to everyone that they... [ She blows out a forceful breath, ruffling the pieces of hair that hang in her face. ] It's all bullshit. You know that, right? It's just pretending. It's just looking good in front of others without actually meaning any of it. You know who comes to visit me the most? More than the girls from cheer, more than people from my church, more than my own brother?
[He does. And it makes him lower his head all the way down so that he can push the heels of his hands against his eyes.
It's all just pretend. Us. Them. Those people. Jock. Nerd. Queer. Primitive constructs.
It's all bullshit.
Steve stands up all of a sudden and he's smiling but it's a grim line. He squeezes Chrissy's hand and then backs toward the door.] I gotta go. I-- yeah. I'll bring you that soup, okay?
[All just empty except the one thing that never, ever felt like bullshit.]
[ She calls out his name before he blows out of the room, waiting for him to turn back to her before she smiles encouragingly at him, a real smile with her eyes crinkling and her crooked teeth showing. ]
Good luck. [ She'd squeeze his hand reassuringly but he's already all the way over there, so all she can do is give him two thumbs-up from where she's sitting trapped in her bed. ] You can tell me all about it when you bring me that soup.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 03:16 pm (UTC)If she thought that Steve would only accept her on a casual, no need to talk about this, kind of basis, she wouldn't push for more. Chrissy's sure of it.
It might not even have occurred to her to ask for more. To think that she might deserve it. ]
You weren't really together but the break up feels like you were. [ It's not a question. He said I ended it first, and now we broke up, but it doesn't matter who said what. The end result is the same. ] Was it worth it?
Is anything better now that you're not together?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 03:26 pm (UTC)Things aren't harder but that's about as much as he can say and it definitely doesn't mean at all that they're better. And then there's the added hollow ache behind his ribs when he realizes that he wants to tell Eddie something but she's out of reach. And hearing that maybe she's not doing so well feels awful, actively bad. So Steve closes his mouth. Rubs a hand through his hair.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 03:35 pm (UTC)I never broke up with Jason because being his girlfriend made my life easier. Even though he was a jerk, and a bully sometimes, my mom loved him. Probably more than she loved me. [ A hollow laugh. It's a joke, but it's not, not really. ] The pros outweighed the cons. But I thought about it, a lot. Thought about what my life would be like without him. How people would treat me. How I'd feel about myself. If I'd feel free or not.
[ Turns out, all she had to do was wait long enough for him to get killed, and then she got the best of both worlds: the lingering protection of his reputation, and the freedom of his absence. She's almost grateful to him. He gave her what she'd been craving for so long. ]
I kept telling myself that I would do it soon. After Christmas. After the championship game. After prom. After graduation. I kept putting it off because I was scared. I kept myself in a box that made me unhappy because I was comfortable there, because I understood it. It was comfortable, and predictable, and absolutely crushing.
Don't do that to yourself. You don't deserve it.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 03:50 pm (UTC)My parents... talk about 'those people' a lot. [Steve's not looking at Chrissy, just staring down at his hands.] Eddie is those people, you know? And I'm so afraid that. I'm worried that choosing her means losing them. Or worse, making Eddie feel like she's got to be something she's not for me.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 03:58 pm (UTC)She's quiet for a moment or two, considering what to say next, turning over the words Steve's said. ]
It's worse for you, I think, because you're a boy. And an only child. My parents just wanted me to get married. That was my goal post. Get married, have babies, be a housewife. You've got all the pressure to carry on your family name, to prove to everyone that they... [ She blows out a forceful breath, ruffling the pieces of hair that hang in her face. ] It's all bullshit. You know that, right? It's just pretending. It's just looking good in front of others without actually meaning any of it. You know who comes to visit me the most? More than the girls from cheer, more than people from my church, more than my own brother?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 04:12 pm (UTC)It's all just pretend. Us. Them. Those people. Jock. Nerd. Queer. Primitive constructs.
It's all bullshit.
Steve stands up all of a sudden and he's smiling but it's a grim line. He squeezes Chrissy's hand and then backs toward the door.] I gotta go. I-- yeah. I'll bring you that soup, okay?
[All just empty except the one thing that never, ever felt like bullshit.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 04:18 pm (UTC)[ She calls out his name before he blows out of the room, waiting for him to turn back to her before she smiles encouragingly at him, a real smile with her eyes crinkling and her crooked teeth showing. ]
Good luck. [ She'd squeeze his hand reassuringly but he's already all the way over there, so all she can do is give him two thumbs-up from where she's sitting trapped in her bed. ] You can tell me all about it when you bring me that soup.